December 2024 - Independence

I used to feel very proud of my independence.

I would never feel the need to share a problem, talk about things that were on my mind and I dealt with everything alone… everything including abuse, money decisions, relationships - all my worries were dealt with alone.

It kind of worked- I managed, I coped, I hobbled along but there was always something missing- an empty loneliness, a sense that I was missing out. I was jealous of others when I heard about conversations that had solved problems, or spontaneous get-togethers. Easy-going love and connection.

I knew, of course, there were some things I’d need others for- for employment, an electrician, someone else to drive me if I’d drunk too much, farmers and logistics, as some examples but I couldn’t admit, or even see, that I was better off with others around me. Yes I had an other half, friends, and kids of course, but there was no “need” there - I was scared to accept that I was better WITH others.

Accepting help and input from others made me cringe, made me feel that I may as well be laid bare and admit defeat in life. I may have spoken about things to my friends but never in a collaborative, sharing, let’s fix it kind of way. That would all have to be done in private behind closed doors. I was unhealthily hyper independent and it was really really lonely.

I know that it comes from events in my childhood when I needed help (even reached out for help) and I was shut down. I learnt not to ask, that I couldn’t trust, that there was no point and actually it was detrimental to ask.

I shut the door and decided at that point that I was going it alone.

Til this day there is no-one that knows everything, no-one that I have cried in despair with, no-one who has put me back together, no-one who I would share my biggest fears with. BUT the difference now is that I can see the value in reaching out, leaning on others and having conversations.

I think I’d be a pretty poor coach if I couldn’t at least try and walk the talk! I have learnt that it can be safe to share- little by little and people are generally supportive and want to help.

I am still selective with who, and what, I share. It is still not the default to SPEAK, and when something feels like it’s growing bigger and badder in my head I do have to consciously remind myself of the positive experiences I have had with sharing.

What’s your view on sharing? Does it come naturally, or perhaps you’re a bit of a lone problem solver too?